Thoughts on Motherhood

Mother's Day was almost two weeks ago, but I have been thinking a lot lately about what motherhood has done to me.  I've read a lot of post-Mother's Day blog posts in which the authors were making peace with how they have changed since becoming mothers and I realized a few days ago that I am surprised and happy to find that I have no regrets about how becoming a mom has changed me.

My little force of nature has left no corner of my life untouched; nothing is the same as it was before her, but I am happy.  I honestly expected that having a little one would bring more confusion to the competing desires and dreams I have for myself that would be even harder to realize while being a good mother. 

Instead I find that I have more clarity about what is important to me.  I don't think that I have given up any dreams, in fact I have more, but at some point motherhood brought me the peace and patience I needed to take life day by day and wait to see how my dreams materialize.  What is most interesting to me is that some of the dreams that have seemed most impossible to me for a long time may become realities much sooner than I ever would have hoped. 

This doesn't mean that it has been easy.  I've sacrificed a lot for my daughter and I've lost a lot in the last two years.  Still, she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and even as I mourn some of my losses, I know that I would give up more for her if it were necessary. 

So here's to being thankful that God saw fit to make me a mother when I certainly didn't plan to be!  My life is so much richer for it.

Here's a recent picture of my beautiful little girl:

Better Late than Never

On Holy Saturday I wrote what I think was a beautiful post.  Unfortunately I was logged out of blogger sometime in the middle of writing it and so when I went to post it, it was gone.  Here's all that was left because I still think the comment that inspired my post is worth reading. 

This morning I read this and it led me to think differently about Holy Saturday than I have before. 

Fail

Today was one of the hardest days I have had as a parent.  I made a mistake.  Not that I haven't made any others so far, but this one bothers me more.

I keep trying to write about it but I don't even have the words.  My little girl was treated badly by another child today, so much so that she was afraid, and while I did much to try to make it stop, I should have taken her home. 

One of my weaknesses is that I do not do well in the middle of a difficult situation if I do not have time to mentally process what is happening, and today was a day when I should have just left rather than trying to think about how to handle a difficult and uncomfortable situation in the middle of the craziness.  I should always leave first, think about the situation, and then deal with.  I learned that lesson again the hard way today. 

I am just glad that Phoebe was fine almost as soon as we did leave.  She even sang with me in the car on the way home. 

Lent

If anyone considers himself religious but does not bridle his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.   James 1:26

Lent started earlier this week.  When I was thinking about what I wanted to do to observe Lent this year, I wasn't excited about any of the standard things to fast from.  I have done dessert, alcohol, and TV many times and I was not really sure how fasting from any of these things would help me.

I realized last Sunday that the one thing I have been having a hard time with lately is saying things I ought not to say.  As I reflected on my week, I had James 1:26 running through my head.  I decided that perhaps instead of fasting I would practice the discipline of silence this lent.  It is an appropriate discipline for the season since in promotes reflection, meditation on my faults, and dependence on God.  It is a hard discipline to practice, though, for someone who spends as little time alone as I do.  I can't give up talking altogether, which means I need to be thoughtful about how I practice silence during Lent.  This means trying to keep silent as much as possible when I don't need to talk, and trying to find times during the week to sit in silence.  One of the other things I have done is not spoken about my practice - except right now.  No one including my husband (unless he thinks to read my blog) knows I am doing this.  I am only writing about it to make myself attend carefully to my progress.  

The most important thing I want to do during this time is get myself out of the habit of saying things that are unnecessary and unhelpful.  I would also like to be able to have more self-control as I speak to my husband when I am frustrated with him.  I don't like the way I speak to him. 

Five days in to Lent, and so far I am not doing great at my practice.  I have certainly been reminded that I have very little self-control and that I need help. 

I decided today that I need regular reminders during the day to keep an eye on my speech.  I will probably set an alarm on my phone to remind myself starting tomorrow.

One thing I stumbled upon this week while I was reading that encouraged me was this:

Where there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.   Proverbs 10:19

Teaching My Child to Sit Still

My little girl refuses to sit still.  Ever.  Especially if you want her to sit on your lap. 

This disinclination for stillness began as soon as she was able to move.  I think she began refusing to sit on laps when she was about four months old.  Since then, trying to sit through meals, church, or any other occasion during which one usually wishes a little person to be still have been difficult for our family.  To be clear, I don't expect her to be still for long periods of time; it is rare for her to sit on anyone's lap for more than a minute unless she is very distracted by something else. 

At Christmas, I decided that it was time for my little person to learn to sit through at least the sermon at church quietly.  I was encouraged by this article, which I had read earlier in the month.  I arrived at this decision somewhat spontaneously during a particularly frustrating church service, when I decided that she is old enough to learn how to behave.  I spend the rest of the service outside trying to contain a screaming little one on my lap.

I haven't had much opportunity to work on this since, because she was either reasonably well-behaved during church, or because we were out of town until yesterday.  All in all, it went fairly well.  The poor little thing was quite frustrated and fought vigorously for most of the unusually long sermon. In case anyone wonders, I take her to another room to do this so I don't disturb everyone else.  She kept giving me the sign for "All done," which I now realize in her mind means "I do not want to be confined any longer."  She does that at the table too, when she is in her high chair.

Today, she didn't want to sit in her high chair for lunch or snack time.  I have only recently realized how extreme her unwillingness to be still and confined to one place is and I am a little concerned.  This does not seem like normal behavior. 

So far, my plan is to hold her in my lap and fight her until she stops fighting and is reasonably quiet.  At the table, I am trying to keep her in her chair until the meal is over rather than letting her out after she asks a few times.  We have also decided to stop giving her any food outside of her chair.   I am not sure if I am going about this the best way, but I want to help my baby develop an essential discipline while she is still little.  

To make things worse, we are taking her to Hawaii in two months and she is going to have to sit in our seats with us for five hours.  I am starting to dread that trip. 

Phoebe Book

Click here to view this photo book larger

Chemical Free?

For the last two years, I have been trying to reduce my family's exposure to chemicals.  This is a very hard thing to do, especially on a budget.  I should clarify what I mean since one of my more skeptical medical student friends told me haughtily that "everything has chemicals in it."  I have tried to keep myself, Bee, and to some extent Izzy away from products made with chemicals that have been proven harmful to humans, either because the cause cancer or interfere with normal bodily functions.  For personal care products this includes parabens, pthalates, sulfates, formaldehyde, oxybenzone and petroleum, among others.  It is amazing how much of this stuff we cover our bodies in on a daily basis. 

I started doing so on purpose around the time I found out I was pregnant.  I had read that aluminum (part of the active ingredient in anti-perspirant) was bad for the baby and might cause breast cancer, so I bought aluminum-free deodorant.  I am still looking for one that works well and is reasonably priced.  I was already using a lot of Burt's Bees products and mineral makeup, which are better than most products.  As I research further, I find that these are not the best products available, but they are what I can find and afford right now.  Eventually I want to work to find better products, but the prospect is overwhelming to me considering how little time I have for such things. 

I have given up regular nail polish, and found a mascara without formaldehyde, started washing my hair with baking soda and vinegar, since I couldn't find a chemical - free shampoo that didn't destroy my hair.  This change has actually saved money. 

I have had a hard time finding baby products that are good for the little one.  I have used Burt's Bees, but a lot of their baby products do have questionable ingredients.  I like California Baby products, but I can only find a limited number of products in stores. We use cloth diapers and buy expensive baby wipes that are chlorine and alcohol free. 

It is amazing how many people mock me for doing all of this.  I understand that none of us are in danger of an immediate health crisis, but things like this add up.  We are pretty healthy; my little girl has only had one small cold in 15 months, and it may help that her body spends less time absorbing and processing harmful chemicals. 

Additionally, I am a high risk for breast cancer.  Going without good deodorant and fun beauty products that include parabens is a small price to pay to decrease that risk.  At least I think so. 

Some other time I'll post about food.