Confession

I am having a bit of a meltdown this week. For most of my life I have never wanted to be an at-home mom. It sounded boring and awful and I was afraid it might happen to me. I got what I wanted.

When Bee was born, I was the only one with a job and I was excited to go back to work. Over the past two years something changed. At first, I wanted to go home and home school someday in the future, but slowly I have been wanting to be with my children more and more. After Ezra was born, I wanted that time to be now.

However, I am still the only one with a job with no end to that in sight. Izzy has been out of work for almost four years, isn't applying to too many jobs, and has yet to even have an interview. I spend a good part of my days looking for jobs for him and reading mommy blogs and wishing those people were me. It has become my own brand of porn. I am discouraged and afraid that things are never going to change. I want to be with my kids so bad it hurts.

Last night when i was reading Psalm 16, I realized last night that my focus is in the wrong place. I am so lucky to have my children, I am so lucky that they are healthy, and I am lucky they spend their days with family who love them, even if tat family isn't me. Their needs are provided for and they are happy even though they miss me. God does not want me fixating on the life I wish I had, but on the life He has given me.

It wrong for me to spend so much time focusing on what I want and not on what I have. I have a good life. God has given me so many blessings and so far He has arranged things better than I would have. I have always said that my children are living proof that I have no idea what is good for me. I wouldn't have either of them if I had arranged things.

So I will try to be faithful to live the life I was given, read fewer mommy blogs, and enjoy my babies. For now, it still hurts.

Sleeping with Babies I

Like many parents, where, when, and how our babies sleep has been a constantly changing saga.  Right now I find myself facing several hiccups in the goal of having well-rested, secure children.  I have decided to process via blog.

When I was pregnant with Phoebe, I needed so much energy to get used to the idea of having a baby that I didn't do any research about parenting styles or make any definite plans about anything except breastfeeding.  I didn't read or think about baby sleep.  I was totally unprepared to the point that I didn't think about my not thinking about these things.  I borrowed a Moses basket from a friend, because it seemed that I should probably have her closer to me than in her room for a little bit.

Then I gave birth to a little girl who would NOT sleep. Ever. I suddenly found myself reading books about baby sleep in the closet in the middle of the night while holding a screaming baby.  For a while she would only go to sleep if she was in bed with me.  But we were concerned about all the warnings not to have her there, and Izzy wanted his space so after a month we let her fall asleep in bed and then moved her to her basket.  I decided I wanted to have her in the room with me as long as possible because I enjoyed being close to her. That was cut short when I went back to work and Bee woke up every hour wanting to play.  We moved her to her room when she was three months old so we all could get some sleep.  While it was not what I wanted, I was and am sure that it was the best decision for her.  

Izzy and Phoebe cuddling in bed in the morning.

Around the same time I started sleep training because after days of rocking her in the hope that she would eventually nap, I realized that Bee was never going to go to sleep while I was in the room with her.  She was too determined to stay awake as long as I was around and she was also unbearably tired.  I am thankful that she learned to fall asleep on her own so easily because I never would have been able to let her cry for long.  While she would have preferred to never sleep, this little girl adapted to a schedule so well and as long as we kept to the schedule, she was happy and slept well.  This worked perfectly until a few months before Ezra was born. 

After two years of wonderful sleeping habits, she wouldn't go to bed and she wouldn't stay in bed.  Once the coming baby became a reality for her, she started fighting bedtime in extreme ways and she started coming into bed with us in the middle of the night.  We have tried everything to bring back bedtime.  Success is rare and inconsistent and what to do about it is a constant source of disagreement between me and Izzy.  The midnight visits are less problematic.  They are the only time she has slept in my presence since she was three months old and the only time she has ever willingly snuggled with me.  Since I love snuggles and Izzy usually doesn't notice her, this works out fine for all of us.  Unless husband, baby, and I all happen to be in the bed at the same time. 

Little girl in my bed after joining me in the middle of the night. 

I know that her sleep troubles are a reflection of her working out her place in our hearts now that there is a baby with me all the time.  I can see that she feels insecure and wants to be reassured.  I feel good about how I handle the late night visits.  I honestly usually like having her come in and have enjoyed not having Izzy in the bed very often (more on that to come) so that I can enjoy her company and help her feel close to me. 

However, I dread bedtime.  We have done lots of things, and while Izzy prefers disciplining her for not sleeping (we have both tried it, it doesn't work), I have tried everything I can think of to make bedtime happen peacefully and at a reasonable hour and nothing has worked consistently.  We have a routine and I have done everything I can think of to fill her little love-cup during the day before I put her down and yet she persists in going to sleep later than I do most nights. I am at a loss.

Broken

Last weekend I was working on bumper pads for the baby's crib.  Phoebe, who has become immensely clingy, was sitting on my lap while I cut the fabric.  This little girl has taken it well to heart that one is not to break things.  As I was cutting she kept telling me, "You're breaking it!"  She was really distressed.  I finally stopped working and explained to her that sometimes we break things on purpose so that we can make them into something better.  I was taking the piece of fabric and making something for Baby Brother to use. 

After I said that to her, I realized what a good metaphor that was for how God works.  Not that He necessarily always does the breaking of things, though sometimes he does, but He certainly takes broken things and makes better things out of them. 

Little did I know that this would also be a prophetic reminder for me this week.  I'm just waiting to see how things are going to get better...

Seven Quick Takes: Update Edition

1. 

A few months ago I mentioned that I was looking for a natural way to color my ever-increasing volume of gray hair.  After posting, I brewed extra-strong sage tea and did my best to spray it on my gray hair.  And it started to work! As long as I remembered to do it every day.  Unfortunately, I do not remember to do much of anything every day.  Most days I successfully use deodorant and brush my teeth, but otherwise not so much.  Needless to say, sage tea is not a viable remedy for my gray hair. 

2.

As a result, I have turned back to henna, but I found a new brand!  This one seems to be much less processed than the brand I formerly used and consists exclusively of powdered henna and indigo leaves.  I used it last weekend, and am much happier about the way the color turned out than with other brands of henna.  It is much more natural looking and makes my hair a lot less brassy looking in the sun (so far). 

I didn't leave it on quite long enough, so I expect that the color will fade in the 4-6 weeks promised by the company.  Since I dont' like to put extensive effort into maintaining my appearance, I usually expect things to last longer than that.  Since I will need to leave it in longer next time and I don't think that it will turn my hair ugly colors, I might use a lighter shade when I buy my next box.  If I had a picture, i would post it.  

3.  

 The potty training battle was nearly over!  After sweet, stubborn, smart little Bee started CHANGING HER OWN DIAPER in the middle of the night, I took a few days off work, brought her to my mom's house, and started boot camp.  That didn't work great, but somehow a week later, she started cooperating.  She now almost always uses the toilet (the big toilet, not the baby toilet) unless she is playing in the yard and too busy to tell us she needs to go.  Since the weather has changed for the worse, we might be done with potty training very soon. 

4. 

However, in the last week Bee has gotten lazy and now she often wets her pants a little before she gets around to making her way to the toilet.  Izzy is not happy with the set back. 

5. 

I finally got Bee to happily wear her brown dress.  Here she is right before her second birthday party looking very pretty in her dress and "hat." 

6. 

Yesterday I pulled out most of the plants that were in my summer garden.  Last year I waited until they were beyond dead and it was probably February before I got around to cleaning everything out.  I am trying to be better this year.  I also have a few fall vegetables growing.  If the weather stays the way it is and doesn't freeze before Thanksgiving, I should have broccoli, beets, lettuce, arugula, and the ever-present chard. 

7. 

Meanwhile, I have to figure out what to do with the remains of my summer crops.  I spent several evenings this week canning pears I bought last weekend, but I feel obligated to find something to do with all the produce Izzy stripped of the plants before I tore them out.  They consist of lemon cucumbers, unripe bell peppers, a million habaneros, quite a few tomatoes, but not quite enough to make it worth canning them.  I am taking suggestions.


For more quick takes, visit Jen's blog.  

Fail

Today was one of the hardest days I have had as a parent.  I made a mistake.  Not that I haven't made any others so far, but this one bothers me more.

I keep trying to write about it but I don't even have the words.  My little girl was treated badly by another child today, so much so that she was afraid, and while I did much to try to make it stop, I should have taken her home. 

One of my weaknesses is that I do not do well in the middle of a difficult situation if I do not have time to mentally process what is happening, and today was a day when I should have just left rather than trying to think about how to handle a difficult and uncomfortable situation in the middle of the craziness.  I should always leave first, think about the situation, and then deal with.  I learned that lesson again the hard way today. 

I am just glad that Phoebe was fine almost as soon as we did leave.  She even sang with me in the car on the way home. 

Teaching My Child to Sit Still

My little girl refuses to sit still.  Ever.  Especially if you want her to sit on your lap. 

This disinclination for stillness began as soon as she was able to move.  I think she began refusing to sit on laps when she was about four months old.  Since then, trying to sit through meals, church, or any other occasion during which one usually wishes a little person to be still have been difficult for our family.  To be clear, I don't expect her to be still for long periods of time; it is rare for her to sit on anyone's lap for more than a minute unless she is very distracted by something else. 

At Christmas, I decided that it was time for my little person to learn to sit through at least the sermon at church quietly.  I was encouraged by this article, which I had read earlier in the month.  I arrived at this decision somewhat spontaneously during a particularly frustrating church service, when I decided that she is old enough to learn how to behave.  I spend the rest of the service outside trying to contain a screaming little one on my lap.

I haven't had much opportunity to work on this since, because she was either reasonably well-behaved during church, or because we were out of town until yesterday.  All in all, it went fairly well.  The poor little thing was quite frustrated and fought vigorously for most of the unusually long sermon. In case anyone wonders, I take her to another room to do this so I don't disturb everyone else.  She kept giving me the sign for "All done," which I now realize in her mind means "I do not want to be confined any longer."  She does that at the table too, when she is in her high chair.

Today, she didn't want to sit in her high chair for lunch or snack time.  I have only recently realized how extreme her unwillingness to be still and confined to one place is and I am a little concerned.  This does not seem like normal behavior. 

So far, my plan is to hold her in my lap and fight her until she stops fighting and is reasonably quiet.  At the table, I am trying to keep her in her chair until the meal is over rather than letting her out after she asks a few times.  We have also decided to stop giving her any food outside of her chair.   I am not sure if I am going about this the best way, but I want to help my baby develop an essential discipline while she is still little.  

To make things worse, we are taking her to Hawaii in two months and she is going to have to sit in our seats with us for five hours.  I am starting to dread that trip. 

Manners

My little one has gotten to the age where she needs to begin to learn manners.  As I start to figure out how to teach manners, I have become aware of how much my own manners need improvement.  I can't teach her how to be polite and kind if I can't model that behavior for her.

Now to work.  On both of our manners.