I feel like my life is torn in half. There is half that I spend with my family doing things that matter and there is the half I spend at work where I spend the day sitting at a desk doing things of marginal importance and wondering what is happening out in the world where things matter. The latter half feels like the larger of the two.
I actually like to work. I am very good at what I do, though recently I have been frustrated because I am capable of a lot more than my job currently requires. The problem is that I hesitate to find a better job because I don't want to work. No matter how important my work happens to be, I feel like it is so much more important to be with my children teaching them how to live in the world. It is very necessary for me to work; if I didn't we wouldn't have food to eat or a place to live. I know the work I do provides the essentials of life for my family but I wish it didn't have to be so.
I am glad that I can provide for my family and I am glad that the littles at least have their Daddy with them instead of a stranger. However, I watch Izzy have such a hard time with them and I want to trade places because while I know it wouldn't be easy for me, it would be easier that it is for him.
For now, I am praying for contentment. It is always clear to me in hindsight that God knows better what I need than I do. My children are walking proof of this. I keep looking for ways to find Izzy a job or find job that would allow me to support the family while working less or from home. But this is where I am right now and I don't want to ruin it by spending all my time pining for what I don't have.
Showing posts with label mommyhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommyhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
Seven Quick Takes - Little Bits of Christmas
1.
Merry Christmas! The last week was somewhat chaotic and passed too quickly, but we had a lovely time. Before Christmas, the children and I had the flu. This resulted in one more day off work than I planned. I spent Thursday and Friday in bed with Phoebe listening to music on Pandora and napping. In spite of all the vomiting, it was lovely and I enjoyed spending time with her while she was more relaxed than normal.
2.
Sunday was Christmas service at church. Our community follows the Quaker tradition of not having special services on Christmas Eve so the Christmas celebration was on Sunday with a lunch afterward. I have to say that I really dislike holiday services at non-liturgical churches. I know people love them, but watching a string of performances, even if I enjoy them, does not help me worship or reflect on the Incarnation. Call me Scrooge - my family already does. I did really enjoy the potluck and wish my littles had been feeling better so we could have stayed and enjoyed the company longer.
3.
As part of the aforementioned service, Bee sang "Away in a Manger" with the other littles. She still wasn't feeling well, and even wearing her sparkly tutu didn't help. She frowned through the song, which made me a little sad because she loves singing so much usually and she always loves an audience.
4.
We spent Monday and Tuesday at my parents' house and enjoyed time with my family. I always wish we could have more time. It seems that both of the children grew up a lot over those two days. Probably I just noticed things that I don't usually see because I am at work for most of their waking hours.
5.
Monday afternoon, my parents, Ezra and I visited my grandfather in the nursing home after we heard he was not doing well and he passed away Christmas morning. While my mom was originally hoping that he would not pass until after Christmas, I think she ended up appreciating having people around and a lot to do that day. I hadn't seen him in a while, so I am glad that I got to go say goodbye.
6.
Ezra started communicating a lot more over the last week. He holds his arms out to the people he wants, waves hello, and I think he is also signing for milk. The milk sign looks a lot like a hello wave, but last night I decided they were different.
7.
I came back to work yesterday. It is more difficult than normal to be here after I spent such a nice week with my children.
More Quick Takes found here.
Monday, September 24, 2012
She's Three!
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| My little princess spent a lot of time playing in the mud in the garden at Fairytale Town |
I am so proud of my little girl. Even though she has been acting out since the arrival of her brother, she is such a good girl. She is truly full of sugar and spice. She is really sweet and compassionate, but she's also a little fighter. While she is mostly a happy child, she generally end up doing most things the hard way just because she once she makes up her mind about how she is going to do something, she doesn't consider whether there is a better way when obstacles arise.
This picture above captures her perfectly. She wants to be a little princess and wear fancy dresses, but she isn't going to let that stop her from climbing, rolling on the ground, or playing in the mud.
She is so smart and curious about the world around her. I am continually surprised by the things she says and what she knows about the world without anyone instructing her. I am so excited to see how she continues to learn and grow this year.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Sleeping with Babies I
Like many parents, where, when, and how our babies sleep has been a constantly changing saga. Right now I find myself facing several hiccups in the goal of having well-rested, secure children. I have decided to process via blog.
When I was pregnant with Phoebe, I needed so much energy to get used to the idea of having a baby that I didn't do any research about parenting styles or make any definite plans about anything except breastfeeding. I didn't read or think about baby sleep. I was totally unprepared to the point that I didn't think about my not thinking about these things. I borrowed a Moses basket from a friend, because it seemed that I should probably have her closer to me than in her room for a little bit.
Then I gave birth to a little girl who would NOT sleep. Ever. I suddenly found myself reading books about baby sleep in the closet in the middle of the night while holding a screaming baby. For a while she would only go to sleep if she was in bed with me. But we were concerned about all the warnings not to have her there, and Izzy wanted his space so after a month we let her fall asleep in bed and then moved her to her basket. I decided I wanted to have her in the room with me as long as possible because I enjoyed being close to her. That was cut short when I went back to work and Bee woke up every hour wanting to play. We moved her to her room when she was three months old so we all could get some sleep. While it was not what I wanted, I was and am sure that it was the best decision for her.
Around the same time I started sleep training because after days of rocking her in the hope that she would eventually nap, I realized that Bee was never going to go to sleep while I was in the room with her. She was too determined to stay awake as long as I was around and she was also unbearably tired. I am thankful that she learned to fall asleep on her own so easily because I never would have been able to let her cry for long. While she would have preferred to never sleep, this little girl adapted to a schedule so well and as long as we kept to the schedule, she was happy and slept well. This worked perfectly until a few months before Ezra was born.
After two years of wonderful sleeping habits, she wouldn't go to bed and she wouldn't stay in bed. Once the coming baby became a reality for her, she started fighting bedtime in extreme ways and she started coming into bed with us in the middle of the night. We have tried everything to bring back bedtime. Success is rare and inconsistent and what to do about it is a constant source of disagreement between me and Izzy. The midnight visits are less problematic. They are the only time she has slept in my presence since she was three months old and the only time she has ever willingly snuggled with me. Since I love snuggles and Izzy usually doesn't notice her, this works out fine for all of us. Unless husband, baby, and I all happen to be in the bed at the same time.
I know that her sleep troubles are a reflection of her working out her place in our hearts now that there is a baby with me all the time. I can see that she feels insecure and wants to be reassured. I feel good about how I handle the late night visits. I honestly usually like having her come in and have enjoyed not having Izzy in the bed very often (more on that to come) so that I can enjoy her company and help her feel close to me.
However, I dread bedtime. We have done lots of things, and while Izzy prefers disciplining her for not sleeping (we have both tried it, it doesn't work), I have tried everything I can think of to make bedtime happen peacefully and at a reasonable hour and nothing has worked consistently. We have a routine and I have done everything I can think of to fill her little love-cup during the day before I put her down and yet she persists in going to sleep later than I do most nights. I am at a loss.
When I was pregnant with Phoebe, I needed so much energy to get used to the idea of having a baby that I didn't do any research about parenting styles or make any definite plans about anything except breastfeeding. I didn't read or think about baby sleep. I was totally unprepared to the point that I didn't think about my not thinking about these things. I borrowed a Moses basket from a friend, because it seemed that I should probably have her closer to me than in her room for a little bit.
Then I gave birth to a little girl who would NOT sleep. Ever. I suddenly found myself reading books about baby sleep in the closet in the middle of the night while holding a screaming baby. For a while she would only go to sleep if she was in bed with me. But we were concerned about all the warnings not to have her there, and Izzy wanted his space so after a month we let her fall asleep in bed and then moved her to her basket. I decided I wanted to have her in the room with me as long as possible because I enjoyed being close to her. That was cut short when I went back to work and Bee woke up every hour wanting to play. We moved her to her room when she was three months old so we all could get some sleep. While it was not what I wanted, I was and am sure that it was the best decision for her.
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| Izzy and Phoebe cuddling in bed in the morning. |
Around the same time I started sleep training because after days of rocking her in the hope that she would eventually nap, I realized that Bee was never going to go to sleep while I was in the room with her. She was too determined to stay awake as long as I was around and she was also unbearably tired. I am thankful that she learned to fall asleep on her own so easily because I never would have been able to let her cry for long. While she would have preferred to never sleep, this little girl adapted to a schedule so well and as long as we kept to the schedule, she was happy and slept well. This worked perfectly until a few months before Ezra was born.
After two years of wonderful sleeping habits, she wouldn't go to bed and she wouldn't stay in bed. Once the coming baby became a reality for her, she started fighting bedtime in extreme ways and she started coming into bed with us in the middle of the night. We have tried everything to bring back bedtime. Success is rare and inconsistent and what to do about it is a constant source of disagreement between me and Izzy. The midnight visits are less problematic. They are the only time she has slept in my presence since she was three months old and the only time she has ever willingly snuggled with me. Since I love snuggles and Izzy usually doesn't notice her, this works out fine for all of us. Unless husband, baby, and I all happen to be in the bed at the same time.
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| Little girl in my bed after joining me in the middle of the night. |
However, I dread bedtime. We have done lots of things, and while Izzy prefers disciplining her for not sleeping (we have both tried it, it doesn't work), I have tried everything I can think of to make bedtime happen peacefully and at a reasonable hour and nothing has worked consistently. We have a routine and I have done everything I can think of to fill her little love-cup during the day before I put her down and yet she persists in going to sleep later than I do most nights. I am at a loss.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Little Man
My little man was born at home in April. About halfway through my pregnancy, I decided I did not want to spend the remainder of my pregnancy arguing with my caregivers, especially in the hospital while I was giving birth. So sometime in the fall I hired the most wonderful midwives. Tuesday and Jennifer were fantastic, as was the whole experience of having this guy.
While it was technically longer, my labor was effectively four hours long rather than the four days it took my little girl to decide to come out. Having the baby at home was so much more relaxing. I realized this several days before he was born, when I thought about how, if I were giving birth in the hospital, my OB would be pressuring me to have my labor induced. Instead, there was no pressure and I was nice and calm right up until the labor got hard. The midwives say I was calm through the whole labor, but that was just on the outside. Giving birth without drugs is not easy!
My little boy has been the sweetest, easiest baby I could have imagined. He eats well, sleeps as well as a baby can be expected to sleep, and is very quiet and patient. Unfortunately, I don't think Izzy is going to have quite as easy a time with him because he is very attached to me. The little dude only gets upset when he realizes I am not available for him. I am dreading going back to work not because I don't like my job, but because I know it is going to be so hard for all of us. The governor's recent decision to make all employees work 9 1/2 hour days will not help. But for now, I an cerishing my time home with the children.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Why the Second Time is Better
During my first pregnancy, my husband was my monitor. I was not allowed soft cheeses (my favorites), cured meat of any kind, fish, and only a few sips of alcohol in nine months. He was crazy paranoid that everything was going to hurt the baby and I could barely sneak any of these items without his coming over to regulate.
The second time around, I am happy to say he has either forgotten or become significantly less paranoid. I have eaten swordfish (not a great idea, but okay one time), had all variety of unpasteurized cheese and other products as well as bacon, ham, and even hot dogs at Izzy's initiation. To top it off, tonight he made me a margarita! I crave tequila when I am pregnant, so that is a treat.
If you are someone who has problems with pregnant women having alcohol, I'm sorry. But women all around the world drink more alcohol than I ever intend to while pregnant and their babies turn out fine. I only started having a little again now that I am in my second trimester, and I doubt I've finished even a whole drink a week. I can tell that my ability to metabolize it is decreased, and drink accordingly.
My point is that I have been thinking about all of the things I was nervous about last time from eating bacon while pregnant to giving Bee a bottle too early, and I suspect that just like my eating habits, several things will go differently during this child's early life. Being completely ignorant about everything related to pregnancy and babies was exhausting and nerve-wracking. So far, this child's existence has been so much easier.
Perhaps the volume of gray hair on my head won't quadruple with this child. That would be nice...
The second time around, I am happy to say he has either forgotten or become significantly less paranoid. I have eaten swordfish (not a great idea, but okay one time), had all variety of unpasteurized cheese and other products as well as bacon, ham, and even hot dogs at Izzy's initiation. To top it off, tonight he made me a margarita! I crave tequila when I am pregnant, so that is a treat.
If you are someone who has problems with pregnant women having alcohol, I'm sorry. But women all around the world drink more alcohol than I ever intend to while pregnant and their babies turn out fine. I only started having a little again now that I am in my second trimester, and I doubt I've finished even a whole drink a week. I can tell that my ability to metabolize it is decreased, and drink accordingly.
My point is that I have been thinking about all of the things I was nervous about last time from eating bacon while pregnant to giving Bee a bottle too early, and I suspect that just like my eating habits, several things will go differently during this child's early life. Being completely ignorant about everything related to pregnancy and babies was exhausting and nerve-wracking. So far, this child's existence has been so much easier.
Perhaps the volume of gray hair on my head won't quadruple with this child. That would be nice...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
It Happens So Soon
My mom bought my daughter a beautiful dress. It is a brown halter dress with pink flowers embroidered on the bodice and waist.
Last Sunday I wanted to dress her in it, but when I pulled it out of the closet in the morning, she said "no" and pointed at a different dress. I put her in the dress she chose. Later that afternoon, when she had dirtied the dress she picked out, I took the brown dress and put it on her. She protested but I prevailed and got it on her.
All day she had been telling me how pretty my dress was. After I got the brown dress on her, she told me again that my dress was pretty. We had quite the conversation about how her dress was pretty too, and eventually she reluctantly agreed.
That evening, when we took the dress off, she looked at the dress, pointed, and said "no". I got the picture that she doesn't like the dress. She looks beautiful in it, but she doesn't think it is pretty. She has started favoring certain colors, and brown isn't one of them. Have I mentioned she isn't even two yet?
I told my mom about the incident and she said that Bee did the same thing in the store when she bought the dress. My mom knew Bee didn't like the dress, but she bought it anyway because it was so pretty. I knew Bee didn't like the dress, but I made her wear it because I knew she would be beautiful in it.
I didn't think it was a big deal to put her in the dress. However, today I remembered how much I hated it when my mom made me wear dresses I didn't like. I was a lot older than Bee is now, but as I thought about it, I decided that it is important to respect her opinions and allow her some autonomy, particularly when it concerns something so unimportant as what she wears. She is her own little person with her own opinions and it is in her best interest if I respect them, especially when it concerns something insignificant like what color clothes she wears.
I was always prepared that some day she would start having opinions about her clothes, but I thought it would be a little longer before this happened. I am even more confused because she doesn't protest against the crazy mismatched outfits her daddy puts her in on the regular.
I love that dress and I will probably continue to try to convince her that it is pretty and she ought to wear it, but I probably won't make her wear it against her will. Maybe she will change her mind.
If I can get a picture of Bee in the dress, I'll post it just to show how pretty she is in it.
Last Sunday I wanted to dress her in it, but when I pulled it out of the closet in the morning, she said "no" and pointed at a different dress. I put her in the dress she chose. Later that afternoon, when she had dirtied the dress she picked out, I took the brown dress and put it on her. She protested but I prevailed and got it on her.
All day she had been telling me how pretty my dress was. After I got the brown dress on her, she told me again that my dress was pretty. We had quite the conversation about how her dress was pretty too, and eventually she reluctantly agreed.
That evening, when we took the dress off, she looked at the dress, pointed, and said "no". I got the picture that she doesn't like the dress. She looks beautiful in it, but she doesn't think it is pretty. She has started favoring certain colors, and brown isn't one of them. Have I mentioned she isn't even two yet?
I told my mom about the incident and she said that Bee did the same thing in the store when she bought the dress. My mom knew Bee didn't like the dress, but she bought it anyway because it was so pretty. I knew Bee didn't like the dress, but I made her wear it because I knew she would be beautiful in it.
I didn't think it was a big deal to put her in the dress. However, today I remembered how much I hated it when my mom made me wear dresses I didn't like. I was a lot older than Bee is now, but as I thought about it, I decided that it is important to respect her opinions and allow her some autonomy, particularly when it concerns something so unimportant as what she wears. She is her own little person with her own opinions and it is in her best interest if I respect them, especially when it concerns something insignificant like what color clothes she wears.
I was always prepared that some day she would start having opinions about her clothes, but I thought it would be a little longer before this happened. I am even more confused because she doesn't protest against the crazy mismatched outfits her daddy puts her in on the regular.
I love that dress and I will probably continue to try to convince her that it is pretty and she ought to wear it, but I probably won't make her wear it against her will. Maybe she will change her mind.
If I can get a picture of Bee in the dress, I'll post it just to show how pretty she is in it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thoughts on Motherhood
Mother's Day was almost two weeks ago, but I have been thinking a lot lately about what motherhood has done to me. I've read a lot of post-Mother's Day blog posts in which the authors were making peace with how they have changed since becoming mothers and I realized a few days ago that I am surprised and happy to find that I have no regrets about how becoming a mom has changed me.
My little force of nature has left no corner of my life untouched; nothing is the same as it was before her, but I am happy. I honestly expected that having a little one would bring more confusion to the competing desires and dreams I have for myself that would be even harder to realize while being a good mother.
Instead I find that I have more clarity about what is important to me. I don't think that I have given up any dreams, in fact I have more, but at some point motherhood brought me the peace and patience I needed to take life day by day and wait to see how my dreams materialize. What is most interesting to me is that some of the dreams that have seemed most impossible to me for a long time may become realities much sooner than I ever would have hoped.
This doesn't mean that it has been easy. I've sacrificed a lot for my daughter and I've lost a lot in the last two years. Still, she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and even as I mourn some of my losses, I know that I would give up more for her if it were necessary.
So here's to being thankful that God saw fit to make me a mother when I certainly didn't plan to be! My life is so much richer for it.
Here's a recent picture of my beautiful little girl:
My little force of nature has left no corner of my life untouched; nothing is the same as it was before her, but I am happy. I honestly expected that having a little one would bring more confusion to the competing desires and dreams I have for myself that would be even harder to realize while being a good mother.
Instead I find that I have more clarity about what is important to me. I don't think that I have given up any dreams, in fact I have more, but at some point motherhood brought me the peace and patience I needed to take life day by day and wait to see how my dreams materialize. What is most interesting to me is that some of the dreams that have seemed most impossible to me for a long time may become realities much sooner than I ever would have hoped.
This doesn't mean that it has been easy. I've sacrificed a lot for my daughter and I've lost a lot in the last two years. Still, she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and even as I mourn some of my losses, I know that I would give up more for her if it were necessary.
So here's to being thankful that God saw fit to make me a mother when I certainly didn't plan to be! My life is so much richer for it.
Here's a recent picture of my beautiful little girl:
Monday, November 8, 2010
Open Space
I go to a Quaker church, and in that tradition, once a month the service is less programmed. They call it Open Space. In a super-traditional Quaker church, the service would be silent unless someone felt she had something to share with the group. Our service is not silent, but there is more freedom than usual to listen to God and pursue worship as you are led.
I love this concept, and have always loved being a part of unprogrammed worship. However, I also have a little toddler who has not been willing to be quiet or still since she was three months old. This means that I do not have the luxury of sitting still and focusing all my being on the worship and listening to God. Instead I have a little one to chase around, shush, and keep from distracting everyone else's worship while I try to participate myself.
A few times I have wished that we had a nursery I could take little Bee to so that I could engage more completely in the service both on Open Space days and on other days. One day, while I was making that wish, I recognized the problem with it. First, we do not have a nursery, and even if we did, I would not take Bee there because I want her to learn to worship during that time rather than play with toys. I realized that since I want to have her in church, she is always going to be with me in church. Earth shattering, I know. This means that I need to learn how to listen to God while running after Bee, even though my preferred method of listening to God involves being very still and silent.
I realized that learning how to be present with God during the Open Space service while attending to my daughter is a lot like learning how to be present with God during the rest of my life (on the unfortunately rare events that I remember that this is to be my goal). Since I initially made this realization, I have changed the way I approach the service and noticed that it is actually easier to engage during these services than in other services.
I still have a lot to learn, and I want to be able to describe the difference in the way I engage in the service, but changing the way I think about it has helped a lot. I really enjoyed the service last night and left enriched even though I spent most of the service chasing my little girl and actually had to leave early because of her.
I am learning similar lessons with the other services, but that is a different post.
I love this concept, and have always loved being a part of unprogrammed worship. However, I also have a little toddler who has not been willing to be quiet or still since she was three months old. This means that I do not have the luxury of sitting still and focusing all my being on the worship and listening to God. Instead I have a little one to chase around, shush, and keep from distracting everyone else's worship while I try to participate myself.
A few times I have wished that we had a nursery I could take little Bee to so that I could engage more completely in the service both on Open Space days and on other days. One day, while I was making that wish, I recognized the problem with it. First, we do not have a nursery, and even if we did, I would not take Bee there because I want her to learn to worship during that time rather than play with toys. I realized that since I want to have her in church, she is always going to be with me in church. Earth shattering, I know. This means that I need to learn how to listen to God while running after Bee, even though my preferred method of listening to God involves being very still and silent.
I realized that learning how to be present with God during the Open Space service while attending to my daughter is a lot like learning how to be present with God during the rest of my life (on the unfortunately rare events that I remember that this is to be my goal). Since I initially made this realization, I have changed the way I approach the service and noticed that it is actually easier to engage during these services than in other services.
I still have a lot to learn, and I want to be able to describe the difference in the way I engage in the service, but changing the way I think about it has helped a lot. I really enjoyed the service last night and left enriched even though I spent most of the service chasing my little girl and actually had to leave early because of her.
I am learning similar lessons with the other services, but that is a different post.
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