Confession

I am having a bit of a meltdown this week. For most of my life I have never wanted to be an at-home mom. It sounded boring and awful and I was afraid it might happen to me. I got what I wanted.

When Bee was born, I was the only one with a job and I was excited to go back to work. Over the past two years something changed. At first, I wanted to go home and home school someday in the future, but slowly I have been wanting to be with my children more and more. After Ezra was born, I wanted that time to be now.

However, I am still the only one with a job with no end to that in sight. Izzy has been out of work for almost four years, isn't applying to too many jobs, and has yet to even have an interview. I spend a good part of my days looking for jobs for him and reading mommy blogs and wishing those people were me. It has become my own brand of porn. I am discouraged and afraid that things are never going to change. I want to be with my kids so bad it hurts.

Last night when i was reading Psalm 16, I realized last night that my focus is in the wrong place. I am so lucky to have my children, I am so lucky that they are healthy, and I am lucky they spend their days with family who love them, even if tat family isn't me. Their needs are provided for and they are happy even though they miss me. God does not want me fixating on the life I wish I had, but on the life He has given me.

It wrong for me to spend so much time focusing on what I want and not on what I have. I have a good life. God has given me so many blessings and so far He has arranged things better than I would have. I have always said that my children are living proof that I have no idea what is good for me. I wouldn't have either of them if I had arranged things.

So I will try to be faithful to live the life I was given, read fewer mommy blogs, and enjoy my babies. For now, it still hurts.

The Little Man

My little man was born at home in April.  About halfway through my pregnancy, I decided I did not want to spend the remainder of my pregnancy arguing with my caregivers, especially in the hospital while I was giving birth.  So sometime in the fall I hired the most wonderful midwives.  Tuesday and Jennifer were fantastic, as was the whole experience of having this guy.

While it was technically longer, my labor was effectively four hours long rather than the four days it took my little girl to decide to come out.  Having the baby at home was so much more relaxing.  I realized this several days before he was born, when I thought about how, if I were giving birth in the hospital, my OB would be pressuring me to have my labor induced.  Instead, there was no pressure and I was nice and calm right up until the labor got hard.  The midwives say I was calm through the whole labor, but that was just on the outside.  Giving birth without drugs is not easy!

My little boy has been the sweetest, easiest baby I could have imagined.  He eats well, sleeps as well as a baby can be expected to sleep, and is very quiet and patient.  Unfortunately, I don't think Izzy is going to have quite as easy a time with him because he is very attached to me.  The little dude only gets upset when he realizes I am not available for him.  I am dreading going back to work not because I don't like my job, but because I know it is going to be so hard for all of us.  The governor's recent decision to make all employees work 9 1/2 hour days will not help.  But for now, I an cerishing my time home with the children.

Changes

Back in July, I fooled people and made it appear like I was going to blog regularly.  Then several things happened. 

1.  I got pregnant.  If you couldn't already tell by the pregnancy ticker on top, I am having another baby.  In my world, this means that I spent the last three months asleep.  My waking hours were consumed with making fairly regular appearances at work and trying to be consciously present for my little girl. 

Sorry blog world, there was not energy for you.  I thought of you often and even composed several posts that I was never able to be upright long enough to write down.  Perhaps this will change now that I feel better. 

2.  I took a second job.  I don't get paid much. In fact, I have yet to be paid anything, but in August, my husband and I became pastors of our church.  I am excited for this new and interesting challenge, but it means that I work six days a week and devote much of my non-gainfully employed, little girl free time to being with or  doing things for our little community. 

This is what I have been doing.  I am sorry I have been neglecting anyone who read this before, it may happen again.

Advent

Advent started just over a week ago.  This is my favorite season of the Church year.  Advent is about stopping and observing the place we find ourselves in, personally and as a community.  During this time, we recognize the brokenness that is in our lives and in the world and also remember the hope we have that the brokenness is not permanent. It is also a time that we can think about how we participate in restoration ourselves. 

I love that even though this is a time of honest reflection on the brokenness in myself and in the world, there is hope and that hope brings peace, joy, and love.

As a child, my mom made Advent really special and I want to pass that on to little Bee.  Every day she planned something for us to do together and to look forward to.  It is one of my favorite memories of childhood. 

I have been working over the past few years to prepare a home that expects Advent practice to happen.  That has been difficult because of how foreign the practice of doing something as a family every day, of preparing for Christmas, and everything else that is invovled in observing Advant is to my husband.  He really is a good sport, and it gets better each year.  He has participated a lot this year, which means a lot to me since Bee isn't aware of what is happening yet.  He has taken ownership of our daily reading and even put a handful of ornaments on the tree last night. 

As I watch the change in him from each year, I am so thankful to whoever gave me the wisdom to start doing things I want my children to experience long before the children are aware of or can appreciate them.