Sleeping with Babies I

Like many parents, where, when, and how our babies sleep has been a constantly changing saga.  Right now I find myself facing several hiccups in the goal of having well-rested, secure children.  I have decided to process via blog.

When I was pregnant with Phoebe, I needed so much energy to get used to the idea of having a baby that I didn't do any research about parenting styles or make any definite plans about anything except breastfeeding.  I didn't read or think about baby sleep.  I was totally unprepared to the point that I didn't think about my not thinking about these things.  I borrowed a Moses basket from a friend, because it seemed that I should probably have her closer to me than in her room for a little bit.

Then I gave birth to a little girl who would NOT sleep. Ever. I suddenly found myself reading books about baby sleep in the closet in the middle of the night while holding a screaming baby.  For a while she would only go to sleep if she was in bed with me.  But we were concerned about all the warnings not to have her there, and Izzy wanted his space so after a month we let her fall asleep in bed and then moved her to her basket.  I decided I wanted to have her in the room with me as long as possible because I enjoyed being close to her. That was cut short when I went back to work and Bee woke up every hour wanting to play.  We moved her to her room when she was three months old so we all could get some sleep.  While it was not what I wanted, I was and am sure that it was the best decision for her.  

Izzy and Phoebe cuddling in bed in the morning.

Around the same time I started sleep training because after days of rocking her in the hope that she would eventually nap, I realized that Bee was never going to go to sleep while I was in the room with her.  She was too determined to stay awake as long as I was around and she was also unbearably tired.  I am thankful that she learned to fall asleep on her own so easily because I never would have been able to let her cry for long.  While she would have preferred to never sleep, this little girl adapted to a schedule so well and as long as we kept to the schedule, she was happy and slept well.  This worked perfectly until a few months before Ezra was born. 

After two years of wonderful sleeping habits, she wouldn't go to bed and she wouldn't stay in bed.  Once the coming baby became a reality for her, she started fighting bedtime in extreme ways and she started coming into bed with us in the middle of the night.  We have tried everything to bring back bedtime.  Success is rare and inconsistent and what to do about it is a constant source of disagreement between me and Izzy.  The midnight visits are less problematic.  They are the only time she has slept in my presence since she was three months old and the only time she has ever willingly snuggled with me.  Since I love snuggles and Izzy usually doesn't notice her, this works out fine for all of us.  Unless husband, baby, and I all happen to be in the bed at the same time. 

Little girl in my bed after joining me in the middle of the night. 

I know that her sleep troubles are a reflection of her working out her place in our hearts now that there is a baby with me all the time.  I can see that she feels insecure and wants to be reassured.  I feel good about how I handle the late night visits.  I honestly usually like having her come in and have enjoyed not having Izzy in the bed very often (more on that to come) so that I can enjoy her company and help her feel close to me. 

However, I dread bedtime.  We have done lots of things, and while Izzy prefers disciplining her for not sleeping (we have both tried it, it doesn't work), I have tried everything I can think of to make bedtime happen peacefully and at a reasonable hour and nothing has worked consistently.  We have a routine and I have done everything I can think of to fill her little love-cup during the day before I put her down and yet she persists in going to sleep later than I do most nights. I am at a loss.

My Little Lady

I don’t know what to say about my little girl lately.  Little Bee has had a hard six months and I have had a hard six months with her.  Ever since she figured out that the baby was coming, she’s been a mess.  At first she stopped cooperating with bedtime, then she stopped sleeping through the night, then she grew whiny and disobedient.  It has been rough; especially when I am around, especially if I have the baby. 

She is such a sensitive thing, and so much like me in a lot of ways, which is a mercy and helps me understand her.  I feel so sorry for her because she is too little to understand her little feelings and I don’t know how to help her deal with them.  I also don’t know how to help her get through some days without being perpetually in trouble.  The truth is that I am not good with little children in general, even when I love them, and I have had a very hard time figuring out how to discipline her in a way that still communicates love to her.  Being sleep deprived does not help me with this affliction.   

I feel terrible, because a lot of the time, I haven’t even wanted to have her around.  I have been really sad because I used to enjoy her so much and then she changed.  I have had to start looking through old pictures and videos just to remind myself, that it wasn’t always a struggle between us.  I have been given a few moments of grace here and there that are really the only things that encourage me that it will get better.  She still has moments, usually at least one a day when she is indescribably cute or funny.  She really does love her brother when she isn’t having a fit of jealousy, and it is really sweet when she decides that she wants to help take care of him.  She is also generous with him and excited to have him play with her when he gets bigger.  I hope these two things stick. 

Also, I am so thankful for the women who watch her at church on Sunday.  While, I am still not thrilled about letting her play rather than sit through worship with us, it is nice to hear on a regular basis, that she is the most cooperative of the children and often the best behaved.   I have really needed to hear that she is capable of being quiet, obedient, and helpful.  Finally, I am so thankful for my mom, who keeps telling me over and over that this phase will pass and she will be my delightful little girl again eventually.  Apparently I was just the same when I was two. 

The events of the past few months have convinced me to look in to finding a preschool to send Bee to two days a week.  This is a big change for me because provided that Izzy can find a job someday, I intend to homeschool.  Part of my decision is because it is time for her to start learning some self-discipline and some basic learning habits, and as good a stay-at-home dad as Izzy is, he isn’t going to teach her these things.  While I have started to work with her when I get home from work, I have also learned my limits with kids this age, and her in particular right now and I think she would be best served by beginning to learn from someone who is not me so that we can get on better when it is time to start teaching her myself.  So I am looking around for a Montessori preschool that will take her for only two mornings a week.