Things I'm Glad I Did This Year

Its the last day of 2012 and it has been an eventful year.  On the first day of the year, we said goodbye to Midtown Friends Community after we decided that we were to small to continue meeting as our own church and the changes kept on coming.  Here are some of the best changes:

Became part of a new church.  Even though Sacramento Friends was one of the parent churches of Midtown Friends, in many ways it couldn't be more different.  While there are so many things we loved and miss about Midtown Friends, we found new things to love in our new community.  I appreciate being a part of an intergenerational community again and it has been interesting path to accept the authenticity of the formal, yet remarkably informal style of worship. 

Ezra was born!  Need I say more?

I started reading again.  All it took was an iPad.  I read more books this year than I have since I finished school.  I didn't want an e-reader, I like real books with real pages, but my life is such that I don't finish reading real books and I incur library fines.  I do finish ebooks.  Unless they aren't good.  Here are some of the books I read in the order I remember them:

• The Count of Monte Cristo
• The Discipline Book
• Breakfast at Tiffany's
• Fifth Avenue, 4 A.M.: Audrey Heburn, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and The Dawn of the Modern Woman
• The Three Musketeers
• How to Raise an Amazing Child the Montessori Way
• Perelandra
• Montessori From the Start: The Child at Home from Birth to Age Three
• Little Women
• Pollyanna
• The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes and Why
• Faith and Violence: Christian Teaching and Christian Practice
• Grow Great Grub: Organic Food for Small Spaces

The list might grow once I consult my iPad. 

Making my own stuff.  I know how to make lots of things, I just don't always find time to do it when buying things is faster, but I started this year and hope to expand my DIY endeavors next year. This year I made:

•  bedding for Ezra and curtains for the kids room.  
• I knitted and croched tons of things, mostly hats, blankets, and headbands.  It was something to do for the two months I spent sitting with a sleeping baby on my chest. Next year I am thinking about making a sweater.
• condiments - jam, fruit butter, sauerkraut, mayonaise, salsa, pesto
• baby food
• herbal tea (grown in the garden), homebrewed ginger ale, and the beginnings of kombucha (it will be finished in another week)
• beauty products - I've done this for a while.  This is the first year I made anything for others.
• laundry soap - been doing this for a while also

I am most proud that I made at least one Christmas gift for everyone in my family except Izzy (because I ran out of time).  One day, I hope to not buy any gifts for Christmas because I can make things that everyone wants or needs.   

Seven Quick Takes - Little Bits of Christmas

1.
Merry Christmas!  The last week was somewhat chaotic and passed too quickly, but we had a lovely time. Before Christmas, the children and I had the flu. This resulted in one more day off work than I planned.  I spent Thursday and Friday in bed with Phoebe listening to music on Pandora and napping.  In spite of all the vomiting, it was lovely and I enjoyed spending time with her while she was more relaxed than normal. 

2.
Sunday was Christmas service at church.  Our community follows the Quaker tradition of not having special services on Christmas Eve so the Christmas celebration was on Sunday with a lunch afterward.  I have to say that I really dislike holiday services at non-liturgical churches. I know people love them, but watching a string of performances, even if I enjoy them, does not help me worship or reflect on the Incarnation.  Call me Scrooge - my family already does.  I did really enjoy the potluck and wish my littles had been feeling better so we could have stayed and enjoyed the company longer.

3.
As part of the aforementioned service, Bee sang "Away in a Manger" with the other littles.  She still wasn't feeling well, and even wearing her sparkly tutu didn't help.   She frowned through the song, which made me a little sad because she loves singing so much usually and she always loves an audience.          

4.
We spent Monday and Tuesday at my parents' house and enjoyed time with my family.  I always wish we could have more time.  It seems that both of the children grew up a lot over those two days.  Probably I just noticed things that I don't usually see because I am at work for most of their waking hours. 

5.
Monday afternoon, my parents, Ezra and I visited my grandfather in the nursing home after we heard he was not doing well and he passed away Christmas morning.  While my mom was originally hoping that he would not pass until after Christmas, I think she ended up appreciating having people around and a lot to do that day.  I hadn't seen him in a while, so I am glad that I got to go say goodbye. 

6.
Ezra started communicating a lot more over the last week.  He holds his arms out to the people he wants, waves hello, and I think he is also signing for milk.  The milk sign looks a lot like a hello wave, but last night I decided they were different.

7.
I came back to work yesterday.  It is more difficult than normal to be here after I spent such a nice week with my children.

More Quick Takes found here. 

Our Christmas Card

Snowflakes Ribbon Christmas Card

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Grateful

I read Pollyanna recently.  I used to love the movie when I was a little girl so when I saw the Kindle version for free on Amazon, I downloaded it.  This is the story of the orphan girl who teaches the people in a small town how to be glad in all circumstances. 

This book was just what I needed right now.  I have been having a hard time with all of the things in my life that are hard or not how I want them and this was a good reminder to be glad for the life God has given me and be thankful for the things I do have. 

I am thankful for my family.  My children are delightful even when they are trying.  Even though I do not get to spend as much time with them as I would like, I get to enjoy them every day.  My husband is a good man and he tries hard to make us all happy even though we have our issues.  I am glad that even though I would rather not be the breadwinner for my family, I have a way of taking care of us.  I do not live in my dream home, but what I have is far more than we need.  We live better lives than most people in the world and have much more to be glad for than most people in the world.  We are always warm (or cool), full, well-dressed, and more entertained than is probably good for us. 

In spite of everything that I find challenging, God has given me a beautiful life.  My goal for the next year is to be thankful for every bit of it. 

She's Three!

My little princess spent a lot of time playing in the mud in the garden at Fairytale Town

My first little baby turned three today.  I took the day off to throw her a party at Fairytale Town, her favorite place in the world these days.  We let her wear her Halloween costume early because it was the best way I could find to throw a princess party that had mostly boys for guests.  One of the great things about living in the city is being close to so many great parks and museums.  Fairytale Town is the perfect place for toddlers with so many things to climb on as well as interactive learning areas like the vegetable garden.

I am so proud of my little girl.  Even though she has been acting out since the arrival of her brother, she is such a good girl.  She is truly full of sugar and spice.  She is really sweet and compassionate, but she's also a little fighter.  While she is mostly a happy child, she generally end up doing most things the hard way just because she once she makes up her mind about how she is going to do something, she doesn't consider whether there is a better way when obstacles arise. 

This picture above captures her perfectly.  She wants to be a little princess and wear fancy dresses, but she isn't going to let that stop her from climbing, rolling on the ground, or playing in the mud. 

She is so smart and curious about the world around her.  I am continually surprised by the things she says and what she knows about the world without anyone instructing her.  I am so excited to see how she continues to learn and grow this year. 

Confession

I am having a bit of a meltdown this week. For most of my life I have never wanted to be an at-home mom. It sounded boring and awful and I was afraid it might happen to me. I got what I wanted.

When Bee was born, I was the only one with a job and I was excited to go back to work. Over the past two years something changed. At first, I wanted to go home and home school someday in the future, but slowly I have been wanting to be with my children more and more. After Ezra was born, I wanted that time to be now.

However, I am still the only one with a job with no end to that in sight. Izzy has been out of work for almost four years, isn't applying to too many jobs, and has yet to even have an interview. I spend a good part of my days looking for jobs for him and reading mommy blogs and wishing those people were me. It has become my own brand of porn. I am discouraged and afraid that things are never going to change. I want to be with my kids so bad it hurts.

Last night when i was reading Psalm 16, I realized last night that my focus is in the wrong place. I am so lucky to have my children, I am so lucky that they are healthy, and I am lucky they spend their days with family who love them, even if tat family isn't me. Their needs are provided for and they are happy even though they miss me. God does not want me fixating on the life I wish I had, but on the life He has given me.

It wrong for me to spend so much time focusing on what I want and not on what I have. I have a good life. God has given me so many blessings and so far He has arranged things better than I would have. I have always said that my children are living proof that I have no idea what is good for me. I wouldn't have either of them if I had arranged things.

So I will try to be faithful to live the life I was given, read fewer mommy blogs, and enjoy my babies. For now, it still hurts.

Sleeping with Babies 2

These posts started for me to process my thoughts on my babies' sleep as I try to encourage one to resume sleeping and as I try to make the best decisions regarding the other.
Before Ezra was born, I decided I wanted him in my bed. I didn't even really give Izzy room to weigh in, though he understands if he doesn't agree. We bought an (expensive) tray for him to sleep in on the bed and set up his mini-crib in our room "for later".

The morning Ezra was born after Tuesday and Jennifer, the midwives, were done with us for good, I held him in my arms and went to sleep. This was one of the many blessings of the home birth. After our first sleep, I intended to put him in his tray but most of the time he slept better in my arm so I broke all the rules and kept doing it. Ezra ha gas issues for several week and most nights would only relax and sleep deeply when I held him.




While I didn't prefer to hold him while I slept, I preferred to keep him free in the bed. Izzy spent most nights in the office because he thought the baby's little grunts were too loud so it was just the two of us. I really loved having him right with me, but when the gas subsided, I got Ezra used to the tray in the interest of having my husband return to our bed. He took to the tray okay, but he liked to snuggle and took advantage of the open lower half to wiggle over to wherever I was in the bed. Since he is such a quiet baby, regardless of what Izzy says, he usually only succeeded in waking me up to eat or sleep by kicking me.
Recently I moved Ezra to his crib. He was moving around the bed so much while I was sleeping, I was afraid that he would fall off. The crib protects him from falling and from his sister. I am sad to not have him next to me, but I am glad to have my husband back full time. Eventually I will move the baby to his and Phoebe's room, but not soon. I still want him close both for convenience and because I like having him. I also don't think Bee is ready to share. For now, we will continue waking up with all four of us in the same room until I feel like it is time for a change.

Four and One

Today I woke up to find Bee next to me staring at her hands. She had four fingers out on one hand and one finger out on the other hand. When she saw I was awake, she said, "Four and one." I asked her how many that made since I have been told by those who see more of her than I do that she adds. It took her a minute to get to five. Then she rearranged her fingers and asked me to show her eight. I helped her hold out five and three fingers on her and and we talked about how five and three together are eight. She eventually got it, though I am not sure she'll hold on to the idea for long. She isn't quite three yet.

I am realizing that this is how Phoebe learns best - informally and on her own terms. On the few occasions that I have sat her down to try and teach her things in a conventional way, it hasn't gone well. Instead she usually shows me what she knows and responds when I show her a little more. She will sit still for Bible stories, and sometimes she will cooperate if learning feels like playing, but otherwise she won't have it. This is why I am convinced that if I have to send her to preschool, a Montessori school will be best.

Moments like this one show me how much I am missing while I am at work. My mom tells me stories about Bee showing off her adding and reasoning skills and Izzy tells me how she helps make yogurt and prepare dinner. I miss these things. They are part of what I give up by working to support the family.

It isn't like I miss everything. I am thankful for the time I do get and that i work close enough to home to have as much time as I do. Last week Bee helped me plant seeds for fall and yesterday we picked tomatoes and strawberries and collected eggs together.

My other consolation is that the baby has persistently shown me all of his new skills before he shows anyone else. Today I got to see him almost push himself up on his hands and knees!

Lessons in Gardening

I have been gardening for three years now and I still have a lot to learn. I get so overwhelmed by trying to learn how to do things well by reading. I am more of a trial-and-error person. That has made for quite a few errors.

The lone pear on our tree. It will be baby food whenever it is ready.

This year was a bad year for most plants in Sacramento. Everyone's tomatoes did well, and I had good luck with eggplant but not much else.

I learned a lot about organic pest control. I already learned to plant marigolds and basil with the tomatoes to control aphids. I lost my cucumbers and melons to cucumber mosaic virus early on. We got some cukes and one melon. Next year I will plant nasturtium and calendula to keep the cucumber beetles away. I also learned that coffee grounds will keep whatever was devouring my eggplant away.

Before next year I want to figure out what to do to keep my bell peppers from getting sunburnt and how to attract enough bees to adequately pollenate my squash. I also want to figure out when to plant things for an adequate fall crop.

Here is a sample of my tomatoes before I made them into golden marinara

Izzy's hand next to two tomatoes - they were huge!

I roasted them on the grill outside so I didn't bring unnecessary heat into the house.

Tomatoes ready to be roasted.  The smallest was about the size you find at the grocery store.  

Then I cooked them down with roasted onions and garlic, also from the garden in the crockpot.

My marinara sauce simmering in the crockpot

Bundles of Joy

Phoebe loves to dance and entertain her brother.  He finds her hilarious.  

Sleeping with Babies I

Like many parents, where, when, and how our babies sleep has been a constantly changing saga.  Right now I find myself facing several hiccups in the goal of having well-rested, secure children.  I have decided to process via blog.

When I was pregnant with Phoebe, I needed so much energy to get used to the idea of having a baby that I didn't do any research about parenting styles or make any definite plans about anything except breastfeeding.  I didn't read or think about baby sleep.  I was totally unprepared to the point that I didn't think about my not thinking about these things.  I borrowed a Moses basket from a friend, because it seemed that I should probably have her closer to me than in her room for a little bit.

Then I gave birth to a little girl who would NOT sleep. Ever. I suddenly found myself reading books about baby sleep in the closet in the middle of the night while holding a screaming baby.  For a while she would only go to sleep if she was in bed with me.  But we were concerned about all the warnings not to have her there, and Izzy wanted his space so after a month we let her fall asleep in bed and then moved her to her basket.  I decided I wanted to have her in the room with me as long as possible because I enjoyed being close to her. That was cut short when I went back to work and Bee woke up every hour wanting to play.  We moved her to her room when she was three months old so we all could get some sleep.  While it was not what I wanted, I was and am sure that it was the best decision for her.  

Izzy and Phoebe cuddling in bed in the morning.

Around the same time I started sleep training because after days of rocking her in the hope that she would eventually nap, I realized that Bee was never going to go to sleep while I was in the room with her.  She was too determined to stay awake as long as I was around and she was also unbearably tired.  I am thankful that she learned to fall asleep on her own so easily because I never would have been able to let her cry for long.  While she would have preferred to never sleep, this little girl adapted to a schedule so well and as long as we kept to the schedule, she was happy and slept well.  This worked perfectly until a few months before Ezra was born. 

After two years of wonderful sleeping habits, she wouldn't go to bed and she wouldn't stay in bed.  Once the coming baby became a reality for her, she started fighting bedtime in extreme ways and she started coming into bed with us in the middle of the night.  We have tried everything to bring back bedtime.  Success is rare and inconsistent and what to do about it is a constant source of disagreement between me and Izzy.  The midnight visits are less problematic.  They are the only time she has slept in my presence since she was three months old and the only time she has ever willingly snuggled with me.  Since I love snuggles and Izzy usually doesn't notice her, this works out fine for all of us.  Unless husband, baby, and I all happen to be in the bed at the same time. 

Little girl in my bed after joining me in the middle of the night. 

I know that her sleep troubles are a reflection of her working out her place in our hearts now that there is a baby with me all the time.  I can see that she feels insecure and wants to be reassured.  I feel good about how I handle the late night visits.  I honestly usually like having her come in and have enjoyed not having Izzy in the bed very often (more on that to come) so that I can enjoy her company and help her feel close to me. 

However, I dread bedtime.  We have done lots of things, and while Izzy prefers disciplining her for not sleeping (we have both tried it, it doesn't work), I have tried everything I can think of to make bedtime happen peacefully and at a reasonable hour and nothing has worked consistently.  We have a routine and I have done everything I can think of to fill her little love-cup during the day before I put her down and yet she persists in going to sleep later than I do most nights. I am at a loss.

My Little Lady

I don’t know what to say about my little girl lately.  Little Bee has had a hard six months and I have had a hard six months with her.  Ever since she figured out that the baby was coming, she’s been a mess.  At first she stopped cooperating with bedtime, then she stopped sleeping through the night, then she grew whiny and disobedient.  It has been rough; especially when I am around, especially if I have the baby. 

She is such a sensitive thing, and so much like me in a lot of ways, which is a mercy and helps me understand her.  I feel so sorry for her because she is too little to understand her little feelings and I don’t know how to help her deal with them.  I also don’t know how to help her get through some days without being perpetually in trouble.  The truth is that I am not good with little children in general, even when I love them, and I have had a very hard time figuring out how to discipline her in a way that still communicates love to her.  Being sleep deprived does not help me with this affliction.   

I feel terrible, because a lot of the time, I haven’t even wanted to have her around.  I have been really sad because I used to enjoy her so much and then she changed.  I have had to start looking through old pictures and videos just to remind myself, that it wasn’t always a struggle between us.  I have been given a few moments of grace here and there that are really the only things that encourage me that it will get better.  She still has moments, usually at least one a day when she is indescribably cute or funny.  She really does love her brother when she isn’t having a fit of jealousy, and it is really sweet when she decides that she wants to help take care of him.  She is also generous with him and excited to have him play with her when he gets bigger.  I hope these two things stick. 

Also, I am so thankful for the women who watch her at church on Sunday.  While, I am still not thrilled about letting her play rather than sit through worship with us, it is nice to hear on a regular basis, that she is the most cooperative of the children and often the best behaved.   I have really needed to hear that she is capable of being quiet, obedient, and helpful.  Finally, I am so thankful for my mom, who keeps telling me over and over that this phase will pass and she will be my delightful little girl again eventually.  Apparently I was just the same when I was two. 

The events of the past few months have convinced me to look in to finding a preschool to send Bee to two days a week.  This is a big change for me because provided that Izzy can find a job someday, I intend to homeschool.  Part of my decision is because it is time for her to start learning some self-discipline and some basic learning habits, and as good a stay-at-home dad as Izzy is, he isn’t going to teach her these things.  While I have started to work with her when I get home from work, I have also learned my limits with kids this age, and her in particular right now and I think she would be best served by beginning to learn from someone who is not me so that we can get on better when it is time to start teaching her myself.  So I am looking around for a Montessori preschool that will take her for only two mornings a week. 

Garlic!

I have been gardening in my backyard for three years. I didn't know much about growing things before I started and I have very little patience for learning things like this out of books, so it has mostly been an experiment in trial and error.
This week, I harvested my second crop of garlic ever.



The empty space is where my garlic grew.

The first year I planted in the spring, so my garlic was very small. The second year I planted in the fall, which is the right time to plant garlic and onion, but nothing happened. This time my garlic came in and is a respectable size!




Since I have about 20 heads and even I can't use that much garlic immediately, I tried my hand at making a garlic braid. I tried a few times without instruction, but it didn't turn out so well. Then I consulted google and found a few blogs with nice instructions. This one was helpful.
After letting my garlic dry in the hundred degree heat for a few days, here is my finished garlic braid:




Now I am awaiting the tomatoes...



Gratuitous picture of Bee asking me to push her while I worked.

The Little Man

My little man was born at home in April.  About halfway through my pregnancy, I decided I did not want to spend the remainder of my pregnancy arguing with my caregivers, especially in the hospital while I was giving birth.  So sometime in the fall I hired the most wonderful midwives.  Tuesday and Jennifer were fantastic, as was the whole experience of having this guy.

While it was technically longer, my labor was effectively four hours long rather than the four days it took my little girl to decide to come out.  Having the baby at home was so much more relaxing.  I realized this several days before he was born, when I thought about how, if I were giving birth in the hospital, my OB would be pressuring me to have my labor induced.  Instead, there was no pressure and I was nice and calm right up until the labor got hard.  The midwives say I was calm through the whole labor, but that was just on the outside.  Giving birth without drugs is not easy!

My little boy has been the sweetest, easiest baby I could have imagined.  He eats well, sleeps as well as a baby can be expected to sleep, and is very quiet and patient.  Unfortunately, I don't think Izzy is going to have quite as easy a time with him because he is very attached to me.  The little dude only gets upset when he realizes I am not available for him.  I am dreading going back to work not because I don't like my job, but because I know it is going to be so hard for all of us.  The governor's recent decision to make all employees work 9 1/2 hour days will not help.  But for now, I an cerishing my time home with the children.

Obviously I do not blog well when I am pregnant - I was too tired between work, a toddler, and the pregnancy. I am amazed by women who handle all that and more. Anyway, since I have been doing nothing but holding the most cooperative baby ever for the last six weeks, I figure i have no excuse, just not much to say. I have numbed my mind by watching three TV series in their entirety and countless movies. Now I am ready to do something with my mind. Fortunately, Izzy bought me a iPad for my birthday and I love, love, love it! I swore I would never like reading books from a screen, but I have already loaded five books including Charlotte Mason's entire home school series. I can also still numb my mind with movies and blog, though I must say I don't much care for typing on the touch screen. More details about the children later.

Broken

Last weekend I was working on bumper pads for the baby's crib.  Phoebe, who has become immensely clingy, was sitting on my lap while I cut the fabric.  This little girl has taken it well to heart that one is not to break things.  As I was cutting she kept telling me, "You're breaking it!"  She was really distressed.  I finally stopped working and explained to her that sometimes we break things on purpose so that we can make them into something better.  I was taking the piece of fabric and making something for Baby Brother to use. 

After I said that to her, I realized what a good metaphor that was for how God works.  Not that He necessarily always does the breaking of things, though sometimes he does, but He certainly takes broken things and makes better things out of them. 

Little did I know that this would also be a prophetic reminder for me this week.  I'm just waiting to see how things are going to get better...