Confession

I am having a bit of a meltdown this week. For most of my life I have never wanted to be an at-home mom. It sounded boring and awful and I was afraid it might happen to me. I got what I wanted.

When Bee was born, I was the only one with a job and I was excited to go back to work. Over the past two years something changed. At first, I wanted to go home and home school someday in the future, but slowly I have been wanting to be with my children more and more. After Ezra was born, I wanted that time to be now.

However, I am still the only one with a job with no end to that in sight. Izzy has been out of work for almost four years, isn't applying to too many jobs, and has yet to even have an interview. I spend a good part of my days looking for jobs for him and reading mommy blogs and wishing those people were me. It has become my own brand of porn. I am discouraged and afraid that things are never going to change. I want to be with my kids so bad it hurts.

Last night when i was reading Psalm 16, I realized last night that my focus is in the wrong place. I am so lucky to have my children, I am so lucky that they are healthy, and I am lucky they spend their days with family who love them, even if tat family isn't me. Their needs are provided for and they are happy even though they miss me. God does not want me fixating on the life I wish I had, but on the life He has given me.

It wrong for me to spend so much time focusing on what I want and not on what I have. I have a good life. God has given me so many blessings and so far He has arranged things better than I would have. I have always said that my children are living proof that I have no idea what is good for me. I wouldn't have either of them if I had arranged things.

So I will try to be faithful to live the life I was given, read fewer mommy blogs, and enjoy my babies. For now, it still hurts.