Torn

I feel like my life is torn in half.  There is half that I spend with my family doing things that matter and there is the half I spend at work where I spend the day sitting at a desk doing things of marginal importance and wondering what is happening out in the world where things matter.  The latter half feels like the larger of the two.

I actually like to work.  I am very good at what I do, though recently I have been frustrated because I am capable of a lot more than my job currently requires.  The problem is that I hesitate to find a better job because I don't want to work.  No matter how important my work happens to be, I feel like it is so much more important to be with my children teaching them how to live in the world.  It is very necessary for me to work; if I didn't we wouldn't have food to eat or a place to live.  I know the work I do provides the essentials of life for my family but I wish it didn't have to be so. 

I am glad that I can provide for my family and I am glad that the littles at least have their Daddy with them instead of a stranger. However, I watch Izzy have such a hard time with them and I want to trade places because while I know it wouldn't be easy for me, it would be easier that it is for him. 

For now, I am praying for contentment.  It is always clear to me in hindsight that God knows better what I need than I do.  My children are walking proof of this.  I keep looking for ways to find Izzy a job or find job that would allow me to support the family while working less or from home.  But this is where I am right now and I don't want to ruin it by spending all my time pining for what I don't have.